February 18, 2010

Motherly Advice for my Weekend Away

Dear Doug,

Since I'll be lounging by a pool in Arizona, with "no" cell coverage this weekend, I felt I should write you some helpful tips to keep life semi orderly.

1. Jack is ravenous first thing in the morning. You have to feed him around 6AM....DON'T wait until 10AM. (Think Bear exhibit at the zoo.)  He'll first ask you for zoooce, translated to Apple Juice. Then he'll bring you to the fridge, and point to the butter holder. It's where I used to keep the cheese slices, but we ran out. He's really trying to tell you he wants some string cheese, which is in the bottom drawer. When he's done with the string cheese he'll ask you for an orange, and then try to hit you up for a waffle in the freezer. Which we ran out of too. (Please pick up waffles and cheese at the store.)

2. Don't fall asleep on the couch first thing in the morning. I know how you like to "rest your eyes". They'll overtake you, and the house. They may be small but they are mighty. Nate likes to build barracades lately. You may wake up enclosed.

3. The key is to give them fresh air. It's the only way to keep from seeing blood in the house. Since I just cleaned the carpets I would appreciate mimimal blood this weekend. That means no double corks inversions off of the sofa. (You know what I'm talking about.)

4. Nate will complain that his socks don't fit, but they really do. You have to adjust them at the toes, and pretend you fixed them. But in your case, actually look to see you haven't put a pair of Jack's socks on Nate. Don't say "Just deal with it", that will set off a whole other trigger. (Too long to get into it.)

5. As far as feeding them, I  realize they will be getting Happy Meals. Just be sure to "donate" the new Penguins of Madascar when they are sleeping.

6. If you go anywhere in public, buy a leash for Jack. (See post from Sunday.) Don't try to be a hero, he's quick.

If you keep in mind the same safety instructions you get at Disneyland, you should be ok.
"You should be in good health, free from heart, back or neck problems, motion sickness or other conditions that could be aggravated by this adventure. Expectant mother's should not ride" (Well, I believe that's how this ride started.)

Good-luck. And in the spirit of Nate's new addiction. "May the Force be With You".




Julie Johnson said...

Well Put! Good luck, Doug!

Anne said...

Good Luck Doug I'm only a phone call away- oh yeah and 400 miles as well!

Deb said...

Lori, I'm laughing hysterically!! I will keep my ears open just in case chaos breaks out. :o)